Loving After an Affair
How rebuilding trust can truly be possible
FEATURED
10/24/20262 min read
After helping countless couples through the tempest that is an affair (be that emotional, technological, physical or all), I know that the road ahead at the beginning seems overwhelmingly daunting. But I also know that for those who are brave enough to step forward, the reward of “doing the work” can be a beautiful new relationship built on deeper understanding, a deeper love and ultimately, deeper trust.
For the person who has experienced the betrayal; I want you to know that you aren’t overreacting, that your pain is very real and that “betrayal trauma” is extremely valid.
How can I trust them again? What will our relationship look like if we stay together? Do I even want to be with someone who could do this to me? These are all valid questions that will be endeavoured to be answered as a part of your healing journey.
Your journey is based in expressing your emotions safely, in using curiosity as a tool for trust, and in an openness to give trust if it has been earned.
For the person who is earning the trust back; I know the level of shame that you are feeling in breaking your partner's trust. You have also broken trust in yourself, and this is what we will attempt to rebuild alongside your partner's trust. I can understand the deep urge to “just move on” but I promise you, the work is worth doing and repair is very possible.
By doing the work itself, you are giving both yourself and the relationship a chance to not only survive, but grow in ways you could not have imagined before.
So what is “the work”?
First, we look at building trust as an active process instead of a passive one. Trust has been compromised, it needs to be worked on. It’s important to grieve the relationship that you once had, because it will never be the same. What can be uncovered instead is a new relationship built trust, clarity and a much deeper emotional connection.
It is vital to understand how and why this happened. This can involve facing parts of yourselves and the relationship that you have maybe been ignoring for years. This is not about seeking excuses, as there are none. But seeking clarity about how this came about can be healing for both.
The emotional impact must be fully seen and acknowledged.This process is deeply emotional and involves strength and vulnerability. Both parties' emotions must be empathetically witnessed by the other. This process in itself builds skills in empathy and increases emotional intimacy
Through exercises, conversations and advice, I have seen many couples rebuild into a healthy, strong and beautiful relationship that ultimately can be more trusting than ever before.
Jaen xx
